Pain, Crying, Some More Pain and My Better Thirds.
No more phone calls. I don't think that the person is in MT any more. But I sure hope that they call when they get home.
I meditated today with my new Russian Astrophyllite w/ Garnet sphere and my healing wand - surrounded by the 3 crystals.
My heart is so heavy today that I wasn't sure how this session would go. My husband was being a dick too, right before the session and it didn't help my mood any. I keep crying - just keep crying.
So - with that said - let me tell you what happened.
I knew that my first stop had to be Bill - the pull was too strong for it not to be. I find him in his car, in the midst of traffic. He is hot, bothered - but the windows are open, he is not using his air. His hair morphed through different styles until it ended on his hair being almost shoulder length - with it tied back in a pony tail. He was unshaven and appeared as if he has not gotten a shower in the last 24 hrs.
His eyes are red, his face pale. I sit down in the passenger seat - he tilts his head to the side and give me a glance like he feels my presence. Then he shakes his head - calls himself nuts. I start telling him how much I miss him. That he needs to believe that what he sees in his visions and dreams to be truth. That he is not crazy - that I am very real, what he feels is real - what he can sense of me is also real. He needs to stop being afraid and to take action. He knows how to find me just as well as I know how to find him. But I am accessible and easy to get to - unlike him. "Breathe (2am)" comes on his radio (at least now I know why I kept hearing the song in my mind) and he screams. I mean a big ole "I can't take it any more" scream. There is so much pain. Tears are flowing down his face and I discover that the same is happening to me. I'm calling for help - from anyone who can hear my voice to help Bill with his pain.
Jesus arrives - but I'm not real sure where he sat - or if he did. I was instructed to remove Bill's pain. So we both put our hands out and I could see this black substance pouring out from his body - from his chest - it would hit our hands and shoot straight up through the sky. We then sent light and love into his chest. The traffic still not moving - he lays his head back on the head rest - closes his eyes. He smiles slightly as I can see him filling up with light and the last of the black goop disappears.
Jesus holds out his hand, I take it. Next thing I know I am in my meadow. But I'm still crying. I fall to my knees, the tears are pouring out I can feel them running down my face. I have so much pain in me - it's suffocating. Jesus stands over me. I am then surrounded by more angels then the eyes can see. I tell him that I cannot take the pain any longer. That the hurt, anger and frustration of being physically separated from Bill has taken its toll. I cannot understand why two people who want to be together so bad are kept separate. Why has the Divine created such a bond - had us remember this bond - but continues to see us in so much pain. Jesus tells me to release my pain - to give him my pain. I am crying pretty hard by now. I hold out my hands and I can see the black goop pour from my body. Jesus absorbs it and then releases it to the heavens. I am told to lie on my back. I do.
The next thing I know I am levitating with all of the angels and Jesus pouring love and light into my body. I open my eyes and through the light I can see Atlantis. It is beautiful. From Atlantis - there is a healing light being absorbed by my soul. When I am back on the ground - it is just Jesus and I again.
He tells me that all is falling into place. That I have much work to do and it is not a time for despair, but for preparation. I ask when - he smiles. I tell him that Bill needs more help - he says that he is receiving it right now. I ask about August 28th. He smiles and says that it is a turning point - that I must be prepared when that date arrives. I ask what am I to do about my husband. He says that I already have the answer for that. I ask about my healing gift - what should I do? He replies that I need to keep sending light to those who need it (my hands are burning up as soon as I started to talk about healing) and for me not to be afraid. My calling will be revealed to both Bill and I once we are physically together.
I look over and see Brigit. It has been awhile since her and I have spoken - so it was nice to see her. I turn to say something to Jesus - but he fades from view. Brigit grabs my hand - she wants to show me something. On the way to the bright light - she tells me how important it is for me to finish my gypsy books - if only to get them as is (I think she was talking about ebooks) for that is how I will move to the next level. It is how I will have my income so that I can take the next step. Without the income - there can be no next step.
We exit the light and we are in Ted's flat. His hair is kind of longish, scruffy beard - looks pretty good, although tired. His eyes are red. Brigit points to what he is doing. I look over his shoulder and I can see him sketching my 3 stone pendant! It's darn good too - almost an exact match to what I have on right now. I see drawings of Atlantis - and of us three. I look at myself and I don't look too similar to how I am now - but he has drawn my brown eyes - with a blue/green tint to them. The same blue/green as the water is in all my Atlantis visions. It's really very cool to look at. I also see that he has drawn many different pictures of himself through out his past lives - with an emphasis on when he was a priest (Joan of Arc days) and when he was a priest after Atlantis (when we all died - the one that reminds me of the movie scene I cannot sit through).
His girlfriend enters and she is just bitching up a storm. Something about a connection he made for her not working out. She keeps droning on. He gets up to try to hug her and she basically pushes him away. She sees his drawings and calls him pathetic. She puts her hand out - says she's going to go shopping. He hands her his credit card. She storms out.
I kiss him on the cheek - he puts his hand to the spot I kissed. I tell that he is better than that and she needs to go. He sighs. I look at Brigit - she says that he'll be fine. She comments on his artistic ability and that he is improving so much in his ability to connect to us. I ask her if he will feel the same pain of separation that Bill and I do - she comments that he already does. Only not to the same extent. She kisses me and tells me to go. I have much work to do.
Then I wake up. I still have that pit in my chest - but at least there are no more tears. A definite improvement. If I didn't know any better I'd say I had PMS - but it's not possible right now. This has been all raw emotion - no hormonal imbalance present.
Not positive if I want to mediate with that sphere again tomorrow. I know that whatever emotions I have bottled up in me must come out. But quite frankly I am sick of the pain. I suppose the longer I hold onto it - the longer I'll feel it - huh? Best thing to do is to let it go.
Sudden poetic muse...
In the emptiness where love should stand,
Is a void - a deep, hurtful vast waste of space.
Are you done feeling the pain?
The hurt?
The sorrow?
Then kneel and request,
That your love shall be found,
And it will be returned to you.
Have the faith that your request is heard,
-- Answered.
That you are worthy,
Of such a love,
And you shall receive your request,
-- Threefold.
Every morning I draw 3 Runes to see how my day will go. I also draw one when I am in the need to an answer to a question. I was asking about Bill the other day and I kept getting conflicting answers. I looked at the Runes and said, "You're @ucking with me - aren't you?" My phone rings once - no one there. I stare at the Runes for a minute and reply "You want me to stop relying on you and simply trust myself." the phone rings once - no one there. Okay - fine - I get it. I don't like it - but I get it.
My Runes are a daily habit that I've had for years. It'll be a hard habit to break - but I'm going to give it a shot.
BTW...my hands are so hot that they are sweating. I think I'll go lay them on my toothless snoop dog - Indiana Jones.
Until tomorrow...
Crystal Sunshine!
Allie;)
I meditated today with my new Russian Astrophyllite w/ Garnet sphere and my healing wand - surrounded by the 3 crystals.
My heart is so heavy today that I wasn't sure how this session would go. My husband was being a dick too, right before the session and it didn't help my mood any. I keep crying - just keep crying.
So - with that said - let me tell you what happened.
I knew that my first stop had to be Bill - the pull was too strong for it not to be. I find him in his car, in the midst of traffic. He is hot, bothered - but the windows are open, he is not using his air. His hair morphed through different styles until it ended on his hair being almost shoulder length - with it tied back in a pony tail. He was unshaven and appeared as if he has not gotten a shower in the last 24 hrs.
His eyes are red, his face pale. I sit down in the passenger seat - he tilts his head to the side and give me a glance like he feels my presence. Then he shakes his head - calls himself nuts. I start telling him how much I miss him. That he needs to believe that what he sees in his visions and dreams to be truth. That he is not crazy - that I am very real, what he feels is real - what he can sense of me is also real. He needs to stop being afraid and to take action. He knows how to find me just as well as I know how to find him. But I am accessible and easy to get to - unlike him. "Breathe (2am)" comes on his radio (at least now I know why I kept hearing the song in my mind) and he screams. I mean a big ole "I can't take it any more" scream. There is so much pain. Tears are flowing down his face and I discover that the same is happening to me. I'm calling for help - from anyone who can hear my voice to help Bill with his pain.
Jesus arrives - but I'm not real sure where he sat - or if he did. I was instructed to remove Bill's pain. So we both put our hands out and I could see this black substance pouring out from his body - from his chest - it would hit our hands and shoot straight up through the sky. We then sent light and love into his chest. The traffic still not moving - he lays his head back on the head rest - closes his eyes. He smiles slightly as I can see him filling up with light and the last of the black goop disappears.
Jesus holds out his hand, I take it. Next thing I know I am in my meadow. But I'm still crying. I fall to my knees, the tears are pouring out I can feel them running down my face. I have so much pain in me - it's suffocating. Jesus stands over me. I am then surrounded by more angels then the eyes can see. I tell him that I cannot take the pain any longer. That the hurt, anger and frustration of being physically separated from Bill has taken its toll. I cannot understand why two people who want to be together so bad are kept separate. Why has the Divine created such a bond - had us remember this bond - but continues to see us in so much pain. Jesus tells me to release my pain - to give him my pain. I am crying pretty hard by now. I hold out my hands and I can see the black goop pour from my body. Jesus absorbs it and then releases it to the heavens. I am told to lie on my back. I do.
The next thing I know I am levitating with all of the angels and Jesus pouring love and light into my body. I open my eyes and through the light I can see Atlantis. It is beautiful. From Atlantis - there is a healing light being absorbed by my soul. When I am back on the ground - it is just Jesus and I again.
He tells me that all is falling into place. That I have much work to do and it is not a time for despair, but for preparation. I ask when - he smiles. I tell him that Bill needs more help - he says that he is receiving it right now. I ask about August 28th. He smiles and says that it is a turning point - that I must be prepared when that date arrives. I ask what am I to do about my husband. He says that I already have the answer for that. I ask about my healing gift - what should I do? He replies that I need to keep sending light to those who need it (my hands are burning up as soon as I started to talk about healing) and for me not to be afraid. My calling will be revealed to both Bill and I once we are physically together.
I look over and see Brigit. It has been awhile since her and I have spoken - so it was nice to see her. I turn to say something to Jesus - but he fades from view. Brigit grabs my hand - she wants to show me something. On the way to the bright light - she tells me how important it is for me to finish my gypsy books - if only to get them as is (I think she was talking about ebooks) for that is how I will move to the next level. It is how I will have my income so that I can take the next step. Without the income - there can be no next step.
We exit the light and we are in Ted's flat. His hair is kind of longish, scruffy beard - looks pretty good, although tired. His eyes are red. Brigit points to what he is doing. I look over his shoulder and I can see him sketching my 3 stone pendant! It's darn good too - almost an exact match to what I have on right now. I see drawings of Atlantis - and of us three. I look at myself and I don't look too similar to how I am now - but he has drawn my brown eyes - with a blue/green tint to them. The same blue/green as the water is in all my Atlantis visions. It's really very cool to look at. I also see that he has drawn many different pictures of himself through out his past lives - with an emphasis on when he was a priest (Joan of Arc days) and when he was a priest after Atlantis (when we all died - the one that reminds me of the movie scene I cannot sit through).
His girlfriend enters and she is just bitching up a storm. Something about a connection he made for her not working out. She keeps droning on. He gets up to try to hug her and she basically pushes him away. She sees his drawings and calls him pathetic. She puts her hand out - says she's going to go shopping. He hands her his credit card. She storms out.
I kiss him on the cheek - he puts his hand to the spot I kissed. I tell that he is better than that and she needs to go. He sighs. I look at Brigit - she says that he'll be fine. She comments on his artistic ability and that he is improving so much in his ability to connect to us. I ask her if he will feel the same pain of separation that Bill and I do - she comments that he already does. Only not to the same extent. She kisses me and tells me to go. I have much work to do.
Then I wake up. I still have that pit in my chest - but at least there are no more tears. A definite improvement. If I didn't know any better I'd say I had PMS - but it's not possible right now. This has been all raw emotion - no hormonal imbalance present.
Not positive if I want to mediate with that sphere again tomorrow. I know that whatever emotions I have bottled up in me must come out. But quite frankly I am sick of the pain. I suppose the longer I hold onto it - the longer I'll feel it - huh? Best thing to do is to let it go.
Sudden poetic muse...
In the emptiness where love should stand,
Is a void - a deep, hurtful vast waste of space.
Are you done feeling the pain?
The hurt?
The sorrow?
Then kneel and request,
That your love shall be found,
And it will be returned to you.
Have the faith that your request is heard,
-- Answered.
That you are worthy,
Of such a love,
And you shall receive your request,
-- Threefold.
Every morning I draw 3 Runes to see how my day will go. I also draw one when I am in the need to an answer to a question. I was asking about Bill the other day and I kept getting conflicting answers. I looked at the Runes and said, "You're @ucking with me - aren't you?" My phone rings once - no one there. I stare at the Runes for a minute and reply "You want me to stop relying on you and simply trust myself." the phone rings once - no one there. Okay - fine - I get it. I don't like it - but I get it.
My Runes are a daily habit that I've had for years. It'll be a hard habit to break - but I'm going to give it a shot.
BTW...my hands are so hot that they are sweating. I think I'll go lay them on my toothless snoop dog - Indiana Jones.
Until tomorrow...
Crystal Sunshine!
Allie;)
posted by Allie @ 1:03 PM
4 Comments:
At 4:36 PM,
Leann said…
Allie,
I'm so sorry you are sad. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
My senses are getting better. When I get an e-mail or look at blogs for new entries, I can almost always tell you who the e-mail will be from and whether a new entry has been made before I look at them. Kinda fun...lol
Hang in there. I know things will get better for you! Ted should be a great help in the map drawing if he draws so well. I'd like to see a picture of the pendant you wear.
Take care and peace.
Leann
At 8:45 PM,
Allie said…
Hi Leann,
Thank you for the kind thoughts and prayers. Luckily for me, I never stay sad for very long:) I go through good days and bad like most. The knowing and being stuck gets very frustrating - some days are better than others. What can I say?
I wish I had a digital camera to take a picture of it. It's three stones, one on top of the other, all raw stone. From the bottom up: Herkimer Diamond, Lapis Lazuli, and Emerald (in matrix). Around all 3 loose stones is a silver wire - wrapped in a spiral fashion. It's funny around my town and family - I have to wear it inside my shirt for the looks I get (and I just don't need the flack). But when I'm in a different state (especially CA) I wear it out and always get nice comments on it.
If I ever found the time I wanted to make some pendants and sell them. But no time to do that yet.
Both Ted and Bill are accomplished artists. Bill sells his work - Ted just does his for fun. So somewhere deep inside - I figure I have to have the talent too. I only need to dig R-E-A-L deep to find it:)
Have a great night!
CS,
Allie;)
At 5:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
hi Leann, Allie
Nice to see your words again. First of all Allie - i was going to respond to "Strange Calls, Ted and Aug 28, 2005" the other day mostly because after reading it, I was distraught over the fact that you are married, have a son, can see AND remember, have Ted, Owen, and Bill and I was thinking - well damn, for some "odd" reason I thought that maybe things might be a little "better" if I were married and had a child because the other stuff was just too crazy, heart-wrenching, just totally wicked to have to go through.............you know, the best way to put it is when it's good it's very good and when it's bad, it's very bad. Jumping off a bridge doesn't seem so bad, bad. LOL. Now today, I read your message and I realize that yes, I may have several lives going on at once, you may have several lives going on at once but the only way to get through it is through it and not around it, so whether I was married, had a child of my own, whatever, whatever, whatever I keep bringing up once in a while that I THINK would make things better - they are things I would still have to go through just as you do. there have been no short cuts - no amount of runes, tarot cards, playing cards, psychics, what have you - in the world, will pave a way to go around it all. btw - yes, the phone thing. i move quite a bit, about once a year for about a decade now. for every place i've been the phone rings because i've left people behind at the old places - even at my place of employment it happens. usually the phone will ring, you'll pick it up, there will be silence and sometimes, if you hold on with the phone to your ear for a bit - there will be this really strange connection and your heart will start racing. ????? at least it'll put a smile on your face if you are having a bad day - the phone rings just at the right times, you know? i also heard from this woman once that it's usually people from the other side trying to get in touch with you and now that we know there are several sides - well, you understand, don't you? p.s. yeah - the web things is smashing although it takes a while to get people to get into it. but then, you know that expression you can't get something for nothing - everyone's definition of nothing is different to everyone as in where i may love music and movies, someone else may loathe it and love something i'm not into. i think i explained that right. anyway, thank you for your post - i feel a little bad because i think you went through you episode with your husband in order for you to relay the message about going through things instead of around. i apologize for that but i thank you for again, helping me realize - since we are in a closer setting (aka more of what we deem "realistic" to cancel out the craziness) - that i am not alone and neither are you. i hope and pray for your reuniting - peacefully and in harmony as I do my own but i also realize that i have a long way to go - jesus and brigit were right. we mustn't keep thinking rome was built in a day, right?
BTW - YES, I discussed Indiana Jones last night - I was asked if you have to mash his food for him after i mentioned the parlvo and the teeth and his young 7 years. Indy seems very loving also. I have to be more loving, I don't know what's gotten into me. animals are good teachers of that, aren't they? i have been such a witch lately..........i've been "pms"ing for a week but that's not possible.....Ted's girl seems like a "not-so-nice" girl. why do they stay with them? stuff like that is confusing because for the most part, i feel like an intruder for what's going on in my situation but then if i hear something like that - i don't get it, what's the point in Ted being bothered (right, "society" calls) but then again, just like i have to get through and not around things, i guess my friends and you and your friends have to too. peace be still - it's not meant to be understood i guess.
love
At 10:38 PM,
Allie said…
Hey Anoym! Glad to see you again:)
I love how you mistakenly put Owen instead of Clive. Clive Owen - good looking man and I am a sucker for the British - but he's not my Clive:)
I've had to repeatedly remind myself that I go through things for a reason. I may not understand when it is happening - but in hindsight I usually get it. I mean, I wasn't looking for Bill - I wasn't trying to match the man with the eyes I knew so well. But the Divine thought it would be a really good idea if I knew. Trust me on this - I already had enough on my plate. The other sectors of my life would make some interesting reading - honest. Then once I started to get a grasp on Bill - a year later I discover Ted - talk about throwing me for a loop. Then about six months ago - Clive shows up. Although - Clive is like a younger brother to me - he has either been related, a mentor or a student in all of our past lives. Even though he is quite handsome, being with him would be like being with a family member - yuck. Then of course you have Bill, Ted and Clive all being the best of friends in real life.
Cindy - who seems to be a mentor to all 4 of us, I came upon by Divine intervention. I don't believe in accidents or coincidence - so meeting her online when I did was meant to happen. And I must say - very good timing as it is at this period I thought I must be insane. Just like me doing this blog - for some people I was the good timing to save them from insanity.
There has to be a reason why the Divine revealed this to me - as I don't believe it is meant as a slow, torture. But I'm telling ya - there are days when jumping off a bridge really isn't all that bad of an idea - LOL! Good thing bridges freak me out:)
Yes - in order to get through things we must actually go through them and not around them. There are no short cuts - no easy way out. This is something that I am reminded of daily - everything must be taken in steps. To hurry up and try to get to the result never works.
The phone thing has been happening more often as my gifts grow. Especially when I am looking for an answer to something - the phone always rings once to let me know if I'm on track or not. That woman is correct - it is someone from one of the planes/dimensions trying to get a hold of us. Could be a deceased loved one, a guide, an angel or even the astral body of someone here on Earth. Now the calls from MT were made by a person and not spirit. I only wish they would have left one message.
Trying to figure out what you're talking about here: "yeah - the web things is smashing although it takes a while to get people to get into it. but then, you know that expression you can't get something for nothing - everyone's definition of nothing is different to everyone as in where i may love music and movies, someone else may loathe it and love something i'm not into. i think i explained that right." Maybe because it's after 10:00 pm and my brain is shut down. Could you try again?
Snoop dog AKA Indy doesn't have to have his food mashed up. I give him soft food from a company called Bil Jac and then mix with wet food from Pro Plan. But I'm considering making his food - ground beef, brown rice, steamed veg's and some vit he needs. This is how I had my dog treat company years ago - I started making soft dog biscuits for him and it grew from there. Of course - I don't plan on getting into the pet biz again. Indy is a sweetie - so is my black Lab Brodie (yes - I'm a big fan of Indiana Jones - well - Harrison Ford fan) along with the 3 indoor cats (Samantha, Darin and Trouble) and the two outdoor cats that I somehow adopted (Raisin and Bob). Animals are great - must be why I'm an animal activist.
Ted's girlfriend is horrible. She's worse than the last one and the one before that. He keeps searching and searching for the right one all the while he is getting older and has now hit a mid life crisis. His way through it is to be with as many young ones as he can. More power to him. But he's placed himself in this sea of misery. Now Bill - he has also hit mid life - but he chooses to shut everyone out and over analyze everything. Who knows what I'll do when I hit mid life:)
I think I hit all your points - if not - let me know:)
Off to bed I go!
CS,
Allie;)
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